July 07, 2005

The Legend of Zelda: Gamers are Morons

by psu

Today I have a simple question. I was playing the GBA port of Zelda: Link to the Past and was searching the interweb for clues into the flow of the game. What I found was a universe full of material about another matter entirely. You will recall that when Wind Waker was originally released, a lot of people complained about the "childish" look of the game. Having never seen any of the other games, I hadn't thought much about this, and figured the kids were just pissed off because the new game was different. But apparently I was wrong.

As always, I had completely underestimated the psychotic idiocy of the true fan-boy. So here is my question. The Zelda games all tell the same basic story of a small man/boy who wears green tights and runs around a fantasy land after a Princess who, apparently, has been kidnapped over 15 dozen times in order to find magic items and save the world from pure evil. In addition, as far as I can tell, Wind Waker is a game with literally dozens of little design problems. There is the stupid camera system, the awkward combat mechanics, the annoying inventory management, the endless sailing, the stupid jumping puzzles, the slavish adherence to the same old tired form and plot, the sloppy controls, the boring boss battles, and most of all, the evil and idiotic save system. And, in the face of all of this, the main complaint that you can muster is that the look of the game is not "mature" or "realistic"? Are you fucking nuts? It's a child's fantasy story, and all of the games look like just that, a child's fantasy story. Get over it.


Yes, I realize I am a bad person for not liking this game that much.

Posted by psu at July 7, 2005 09:33 AM | Bookmark This

To be honest, I can't stand any of the 3D Zeldas. I thought the cartoon look was amazingly charming, but the flaws in the targeting and the fact that it just doesn't feel like "Zelda" to me have kept me from picking up Wind Waker.

As my grandfather used to tell me, people are stupid.

Posted by Thomas at July 7, 2005 11:49 AM

I have never had a single problem with the targeting system in Zelda, in fact I think it is great. I never have any problems moving about or fighting enimies. The combat mechanics also seemed fine. I really enjoyed the sailing myself. The jumping puzzels were easy. I do admit that they need to change the plot, its getting old, and the boss battles are way to easy. They should just have some standard fighting with a really strong enemy. That would be great. I did not mind the save system, but I can see how its annoying. People that went crazy about the graphic style are nuts. At first I was not sure about it, but now it has grown on me so much I prefer it to any other Zelda graphics. Its just so amazing. That petition is an ode to peoples stuborness and stupidity.

Posted by Zaphod at July 7, 2005 12:01 PM

Pete wants me to call him a bad person so he can feel he's reached out and touched the interweb, so: Pete, you're a bad person. How can you hate this game!?

Seriously, though, WW hit the right mix of old-skool nostalgia and nice, varied playstyles. The facial animations alone were worth the price of admission. But hey, go ahead, hate it -- doesn't change the many hours of enjoyment I got out of it :D.

Posted by Eric Tilton at July 7, 2005 02:24 PM

Pete hates everything that doesn't originate in Paris.

Posted by Elvis Flathead at July 7, 2005 08:13 PM

When Pete reaches out and touches the Intarweb, it's definitely a Bad Touch.

Posted by Jonathan Hardwick at July 8, 2005 03:10 AM

As a dedicated Zelda fanboy I must speak out and say you are indeed a bad bad person. One of my biggest issues about complaing about game controls or game designin general is that all gaming is really subjective by its nature.

It's like if I complained about Racing Game X. Which handles terrible and is a boring game. The thing is I hate racing games and never really learned how to control them therefore my opinion on them is less than unbiased. If you don't like a certain style of game or type of control system you will most likely never like it. This in my opinion makes it impossible for you to judge it in anything even approaching objectivity.

Posted by David Baisley at July 15, 2005 10:48 PM

"If you don't like a certain style of game or type of control system you will most likely never like it. This in my opinion makes it impossible for you to judge it in anything even approaching objectivity."

I hate to break it to you, but almost by definition, reviews are never "objective," but represent one person's opinion about something. You either agree with it, or you don't, but it's hardly the case that "reviewer X thinks Y sucks" means that all sane people must agree. One can criticize a reviewer for being inconsistent or arbitrary in his or her preferences, but a lack of objectivity isn't really a fault in a review.

Posted by Elvis Flathead at July 16, 2005 01:42 PM

I think you missed my point. Yes, reviews are subjective by nature but if you hate a genre or more specifically hate the things that make the genre what it is, then what exactly are you reviewing?

Example: I don't like Zelda because the controls suck. I should be able to use a steering wheel and Link should be a car on a track inside of a little boy dressed in green with a sword and shield.

I am talking about at least attempting at some sense of level analysis when disecting a game.

The "I hate it because it is what it claims to be." seems like a weak review to me.

Posted by David Baisley at July 31, 2005 12:48 AM

I think I should be clear here. I don't really *hate* the Zelda games, per se. I just don't think they are the transformative religious experience that some make them out to be. And, I think it is reasonable to say that they are made weaker (in the 3-d versions) by control schemes that are not quite as refined as you find in other games of a similar nature.

I don't want driving game controls to move Link around. But, is it really too much ask that I be able to (say) target the grappling hook *and* walk at the same time?

Posted by psu at July 31, 2005 07:42 AM

well some aspect of that I agree with, wind waker isn't one of the best of the zelda games. My favourite has got to be ocarina of time, once you get past the constant need to wait for your character to realign himself before he can target and attack an enemy, it's not a bad system.
Yes I think they could have done the inventory system but thats how it was in the original, you had to equipment slots, A and B both connected to a button.
When making a 2D game into a 3D game its important to realise you can't keep the same kind of restrictions.

Well, besides gameplay, kids don't want to be told they're kids. If you try to sell a game older gamers play and you make it 'cartoony' or childish they complain, even the kids, the want to feel grown up.

Posted by Ian at August 22, 2005 05:26 AM

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